Yes, Your Relationship Can Survive The Roommate Stage - Here’s How
If it's any consolation, our days are now filled less with languorous artisanal cocktails and more with curt conversations about who is doing what...
Seven years ago my husband and I were on a private boat in Positano on the Amalfi Coast. A waiter had just made us bellinis using freshly pressed peach juice, and we were eating perfect little bitesize bruschetta peppered with tiny shreds of basil. As the sun danced on the water, we looked at one another and smiled in total bliss. Life was so good, we said. What could there ever be to fight about?!
A pandemic, two babies, a mortgage that has doubled during a cost of living crisis, and a cat who is simultaneously, somehow, obese AND a fussy eater, later, and those carefree moments feel far behind us. I barely recognise the rather smug woman in the photos who looks like she’s never known the meaning of the word tired.
As the parents of a three-year-old and a five-month-old, our days are now filled less with languorous artisanal cocktails and more with curt conversations about who is doing what, such as, ‘You hold her while I wipe his bum’, or, ‘I’m going to clean all that mouldy stuff out of the bottom of the fridge, you find the snot sucker device.’ We used to send each other witty WhatsApps, filled with in-jokes. I looked through our more recent conversations for the purpose of this piece. They included, ‘He’s up’, ‘All done’, ‘Is she asleep’ and ‘I worked out what that smell was’.
Have we found ourselves in the ‘roommate’ era? The phrase is used to describe married couples who feel as if they’ve gone from a romantic relationship to simply cohabitants of the same address. This concept has been trending on social media lately, particularly on TikTok where mummy content makers such as @mummysflippinghouse have been laying bare the reality of what having children has done to their relationships. I asked another friend to sum it up, and she said that the most she had spoken to her husband about something other than their kids over Christmas was about the altered bin schedule.
It could be, as with many viral concepts, an unhelpfully reductive way to look at your relationship. Whether you have children or not, the longer you are together, the less exciting things will naturally be and that’s not always a bad thing. The routine and monotony of parenting babies and toddlers perhaps lends itself to such a stage, because, let’s face it, there isn’t a lot of room for spontaneity or romance when your life has become so full of discussions of bowel movements, as well as such a high level of logistics, calendars and planning you are now the human embodiment of the ‘Charlie evidence’ meme (you know, the one with Charlie Day from Always Sunny in Philadelphia and that corkboard). And yet, despite that, my husband and I still find joy in every day - and each other. Yes, we’re busier, and spend many nights in separate beds being kicked by small toddler legs, but we feel like a strong team.
It stands to reason that many parents of young children feel like their relationship comes last on the to-do list, however. Less and less of us have the infamous ‘village’ around to help out, which would enable date nights or nights away to reconnect. Some of us co-sleep, and some of us just don’t want to leave our children, anyway.
More women are forced back to work early because of rising costs of living, and then when they get there the cost of childcare puts added strain on the household (turns out financial woes aren’t that good for your relationship either).
Mental load is a huge one, too. As comedian Sara Pascoe puts it, ‘Feminism is a lie. All it is, is that women have to go to work all day, then come home and do all the housework as if it’s their hobby.’
If you’re the one doing the majority of the chores, it’s easy to start feeling like a matronly house manager, running a military laundry operation (‘PLEASE DON’T TOUCH THAT WASHING MACHINE IT’S STILL GOT FIFTEEN MORE MINUTES TO GO!’ I bellow at my three-year-old whose sticky hands have interrupted countless washes). You are scrubbing pans and bottles at 9pm when you used to be spending quality time with your husband. Which is all to say: we are cash poor, we are time poor, we are stretched too thin. You don’t have time for much outside of work and the running of yours and your household’s lives. Society is simply set up to suck any free time or money mums might have straight down the drain.
It is important to remember, then, that the roommate stage doesn’t have to mean your relationship is unhappy, or isn’t working - nor that you resent the arrival of your children or the life you’re now living. It can simply be, for many parents, a part of having young children, and something you are willing to work through in order to trade in for what’s next (hopefully for us the next stage will involve less sniffing childrens’ bottoms and more going to the pictures together).
Roommate eras are a perhaps unfortunate byproduct of busy life, as relationships ebb and flow and yet the label feels somewhat unhelpful and accusatory.
If life admin does feel like it’s outweighing your connection, it perhaps wouldn’t hurt to look at the factors which could use some attention in order to improve your communication.
Here are some expert tips to survive the Roommate Stage:
Make each other feel like a priority - try and understand the different roles you and your partner both play, and appreciate that, says, chartered Psychologist and author of 'Self-care for Tough Times' Suzy Reading, ‘It might feel like you are both feeling overburdened with different responsibilities – like carrying the financial weight for the family versus caregiving load, which can make it hard to feel understood or create a feeling of separation and tension. When you both have your hands full of life’s demands you don’t
have the same capacity for physical closeness and expressions of care. It makes the world of difference to show each other that your relationship is a priority and that you are continuing to choose each other in the changing landscape of life. Rather than just words, show that you are committed by making an effort to reconnect, stay current and
communicate care.’
Cultivate intimacy – Reading says, ‘This comes in many forms. Try to schedule an
opportunity to connect with fewer interruptions, which depending on the level of support you
have available to you can be genuinely challenging. If you can’t leave the house to enjoy
time together, make a concerted effort to be present with each other, leaving phones in
another room. To cultivate emotional intimacy, check in and really listen to what your partner is sharing, communicating your understanding, validating their experience and empathising with them. Psychologist and author of Raising A Happier Mother, Anna Mathur, says that small tweaks can make a big difference. ‘Text during the day, hold hands, reminisce about early memories,’ she suggests. ‘Rituals matter, be it a shared coffee, a no-phones bedtime chat, or a weekly check-in.’
Put your phones down - ‘Connection doesn’t require huge, romantic gestures,’ says Mathur. ‘It starts with tiny moments of intentionality such eye contact, touch, a genuine “How are you, really?”’ Reading says leaving phones out of a scheduled catch up makes it more meaningful. ‘It’s an opportunity to connect with fewer interruptions, which depending on the level of support you have available to you can be genuinely challenging. If you can’t leave the house to enjoy time together, make a concerted effort to be present with each other, leaving phones in another room.
Say, ‘I miss you’ - Mathur says, ‘Bringing gentle awareness to the dynamic is the first step. 'I miss you' can be a powerful way to open the door without blame.
Lighten the load - Mathur says, ‘When the mental load is more evenly shared, resentment lessens, and there’s more room for connection. Ask each other, “What do we need to feel seen, supported, and not just functional?”’ Reading says we need to be vocal about our appreciation for the other’s contributions. ‘It helps to acknowledge and voice appreciation for the contribution your partner makes. When you both feel appreciated it can dial down resentment.’
Jessica Barrett