Emily Blackwell On Getting Through The ‘Pure State Of Panic And Fear’ Of her Premature Birth

The former Made In Chelsea star opens up about the difficult birth of her daughter Eva

I found out I was pregnant April last year. And it was amazing. To be honest, it was quite a surprise, because I'd taken a pregnancy test two days before, and it was negative.

My actual pregnancy was okay. I felt tired, and although I wasn't very sick, I did feel nauseous. Still, there were no complications. It was only when my daughter Eva was born 29 weeks and three days in November, that things took a turn.

When it happened, I didn't even have time to think about how my birth hadn’t gone to plan. It was all very quick. In hindsight, it was the complete opposite to what I had mentally prepped for. I’d planned for a C-section in January but instead found myself having a vaginal birth with no pain relief at 29 weeks.

I was in shock for a long time. I was in shock for the first few weeks she was here, but there was no time for me to process anything. I was now on a mission, and it was to get Eva well enough and out of the hospital.

We were very much warned that being in the NICU and having a premature baby isn't a straightforward situation. It's very up and down. We were told, ‘try not to be disheartened. That's just the journey of what having a premature baby is.’

Thankfully she did well. They were very cautious in the ward and ran lots of tests on her every day, just to check she was doing okay. Even just being in that kind of environment where you know your baby's having blood tests, scans, brain scans, X-rays – that just puts a parent into just pure a state of panic and fear, because you're constantly worrying about the unknown. We were worried the entire time she was in there, and were so blessed she was a little fighter and did so well. It was really hard, but in the end, Eva was in there for 53 days.

During that time, I remember waking up one morning and thinking, ‘I can't do this. I just can't do it today, please. Am I in a bad dream?’ But that’s where this maternal strength kicked in. I knew I couldn’t just lie in bed all day and be upset about this. I needed to be there for her. No matter how I was feeling, mentally, physically, I just had to get up and crack on with it.

I reckon I was at the hospital 17 hours a day. I'd go home to sleep for a couple of hours and come back. During that time, my mum told me, ‘You just looked wired. You just looked like you were just running off adrenaline and fear.’

We brought her home at 38 weeks and I wasn’t prepared for how anxious I would be when this happened. I became used to seeing her vitals on monitors, doctors, and nurses everywhere, but at home I had none of that security that she was safe. So that feeling of fight or flight I had at the hospital continued at home.

I really had to push myself through that adjustment, and retrain my brain to not be dependent on that support, and that was really tricky. Thankfully during our time in the hospital, the team began to wean me off them, and to look at Eva, the colour of her and her movements, to see how she was doing.

Looking back, I didn't realise how many people were in the boat that I was in and experience the same or a very similar thing. Every journey is so unique with every baby, but there is a big community out there. After I’d been through my premature birth I was desperate to find someone who had gone through it too and I did thanks to charities like Tommy’s and Bliss, and social media.

I think it really helps speaking to someone who has had a premature baby. According to Bliss, one in 13 babies in the UK are premature (born before 37 weeks), while Tommy’s says often the cause of a premature birth is unknown. So lots of us don’t get answers as to why this happened, and you’re forever thinking was it this, or that. I also love to hear stories of women who had a premature baby and then carried full term afterwards, as I’m petrified of getting pregnant again now. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

Having gone through my premature birth was the hardest thing I've ever done by far, but also the most amazing, rewarding thing I've ever done. It's It feels like I've always had Eva in my life. I can't remember life without her.

As told to The Juggle