8 Questions To Ask Yourself (And Your Partner) Before Having That Second Child

In all the years we spent dreaming of expanding our family, I never appreciated how fully having a second child changes not just your life

My husband and I grew up in the 1980s and 1990s as only-children, which although wasn’t terrible for either of us, wasn’t ideal. Back then we were a rare breed, and the only children in our French classes made to trot out ‘je suis un enfant unique’ surprisingly regularly, which just acted to single us out that bit further. I was so envious of my friends who all had brothers and sisters to hang out/fight with every weekend, weeknight and those long old school holidays, while I spent a great deal of time outside of school rattling around a big old house with my mum and dad. I mention this because our (very different) solo upbringings were precisely the reason we were both always determined to have more than one child.

It wasn’t easy - after a lengthy IVF process, we had our first baby in 2016, and were lucky to have four remaining viable embryos in the freezer. Seven years later and after one miscarriage, three failed rounds, a multitude of tests and threats of a hysterectomy, we finally had our much desired second baby, who is currently a highly energetic (verging on feral), happy toddler who adores his older brother.

So now we have everything we ever wanted – but in all the years we spent dreaming of expanding our family, I never appreciated how fully having a second child changes not just your life, but also the dynamics of your family unit. It is a LOT. I’ve had more time than most people to think about what going from one to two children would be like, and now I’m living the reality, here are a few questions I’d urge everyone to ask before they go for number two….

1. What does outnumbered really mean to you?

For me it’s turned out to be two kids, a cat and a dog – a combination potent enough to raise my cortisol to dangerous levels. The pets without the kids? Doable. The kids without the pets? Also just doable. All four? It’s a no from me. The dog is barking insanely loudly in the garden (ASBO incoming), the (indoor) cat is simultaneously weeing on the floor and trying to escape into the garden to join the dog who genuinely hates the cat. The older kid is whining about how he needs a poo but his iPad is running out of battery/how slow the internet is/how he really hates potatoes, while the toddler is climbing up on the dining table preparing to take a running jump. Life at home feels like I’m on a treadmill, constantly shuffling and re-shuffling priorities.

2. Could you organise a military-style operation (if the answer is ‘no,’ then you’ll never leave the house again)?

Never were Dwight D. Eisenhower’s wise words ‘plans are nothing. Planning is everything.’ truer than when attempting to get two or more children out of the door in the morning. From long to-do-lists endless diary co-ordination, and spreadsheets for everything (shopping lists, organising annual leave, Christmas planning, which you have to start in July) to nightly outfit prep and premature bag packing - if you intend to ever leave the house as a family again, you’d better get organised. I found that two kids equals more than double the chaos of one (all the normal laws of maths and physics are suspended once you’ve got two). And the only way to control that chaos and get out of that damn door in a timely manner is doing everything humanly possible the night before. Think of it being a favour to future you. I’m all for a hack - Coleen Rooney laying out all four sons’ outfits for the next seven days? Beyond inspiring.

3. Do you feel ok about a constant stream of low-level anxiety and guilt?

My guilt started from the second that cheeky little frozen embryo was implanted in 2023. Things that cross my mind daily: will my eldest son think he wasn’t ever enough? Am I neglecting him during the hours I spend dragging the toddler down from that dining table? Will I ever feel as close to my second born as I do my first, who was an only child for seven years? Will my eldest become some kind of menace in adulthood because he plays so much Roblox now? Will the boys grow super competitive, fall out and become estranged as adults? Will my eldest grow up to be a short king because he didn’t eat a single vegetable as a child, while his younger broccoli-munching brother towers over him unnaturally?

4. How much is too much washing?

Are you prepared to spend 85% of your ‘free’ time retrieving random socks from various floors, washing clothes (including said socks), folding up clothes (yup, pairing those goddamn socks), folding and putting those socks /clothes away, giving clothes to the charity shop and rotating your older child’s hand-me-downs over to the little one?  And there’s the intense organisation required in storing all those little clothes into sizes and seasons. Those tiny socks will haunt your dreams.

5. How will we feel if our second child turns out wildly different to the first?

I speak from experience. Our first was the dream baby and toddler. He slept through the night, sat still, loved a puzzle, indulged my choice of fancy dress (a pea one day, a strawberry the next), and smiled sweetly for 1000000s of daily photos. My husband and I had often mused whether it was nature or our excellent nurturing. Turns out it was the nature thing. Our second boy came along and was fiercely different. He’s loud and dives head-first into everything. He’s never without a bump or bruise on his forehead, still doesn’t sleep longer than two hours at a time and literally laughs in the face of any attempts to enforce boundaries. We deeply love our boy, and he is one of the funniest little men I’ve ever met, but I didn’t anticipate how much of our time and energy it would take to simply keep him alive each day – because his brother was so different.

6. Will we be ok with the fact that our friends and family won’t be quite as excited the second time around?

I look back fondly to a time when it felt like the entire world was hugely invested in our first little baby… those thoughtful little gifts, the regular visits, the daily requests for photos… It was just lovely. Fast forward to the birth of our second, and that level of devotion was demonstrably reduced. There were noticeably fewer cards on the mantlepiece, and my phone was definitely quieter. Paranoia began to set in before I surmised that by the second birth, people assume you know what you’re doing. And of course, by this point they have already seen what the unique amalgamation of you and your partner is likely to look like. It’s just less of a thing second time around. Which I completely understand - but it does get a bit lonely from time to time.

7. Can we actually afford it?

No matter when you had your first, it’s exponentially more expensive now. Sure, you can repurpose all those cute little outfits and bring the old steriliser down from the loft, but anything that does need to be bought – think baby food (even those Aldi Ella’s Kitchen dupes mount up), childcare, new car seat etc (think anything not available on re-sale sites) – is likely to leave you broke – especially if you have another child under three already. And in our case, although we are currently just paying for the one lot of childcare (praise be), there’s the additional wrap- around care, school trips, books and new clothes for the eldest son to account for. Regular holidays are a thing of the past. As for savings… long gone. Selling the boys’ old clothes on Vinted is thankfully keeping us afloat – particularly because first time around we were able to splurge on the Arket, Mini Rodini and Organic Zoo we can only dream of now. But my god they sell well.

8. How strong is our relationship?

As much as I love him, my husband is really quite irritating. And, in turn, he regularly finds me horribly annoying. But strangely enough we never got on each other’s nerves until April 2024 - when we had that second baby. A lack of sleep and time, and all those added pressures have really tested us. I am happy to report we are solid, but I’ve seen what a toll a second child has taken on friends’ relationships. My advice, for what it’s worth? Hash out all your issues before that baby – talk through your parenting strategy and always stand outwardly united in your handling of, well, everything. Even if your partner has rapidly become the most exasperating person you know. Like mine.